Yesterday Spouseman had to leave town unexpectedly. His mother took a bad fall and will require surgery to mend a badly broken wrist. Over Thanksgiving we were both struck by how unsteady and frail she seemed. We said she was a fall waiting to happen. In a 91 year-old body that is failing, her mind is still sharp as a tack. Her neighborhood has become less and less safe, with considerable drug violence happening right outside her window too often. There are some hard decisions ahead and Spouseman will be in Selma until Saturday.
Last time he left for more than an overnight trip, Light of My Life spun so far out of control that, on the recommendation of her therapist, psychiatrist and school support team, I ended up calling the cops for help. It was a devastating moment in our lives that is hard to even remember. Before Spouseman left we had a little time to talk, the three of us, about the things we could and would do make sure we don't go to that bad place again.
Unfortunately, at bedtime LoML started spinning towards chaos again. At first the old familiar fear and anger started bubbling in me. But I was determined to get through in a better way. A very helpful way of calibrating my responses to her is based on assessing if her behavior can be categorized as "junk behavior" or "destructive behavior". Junk behavior is obnoxious and inappropriate and does not represent a risk to her, to me, our pets or our belongings. Often, she starts there and escalates to destructive behavior. Since her behavior was mainly junky, I got very, very quiet. I invited her to sleep with me and got into bed. She did too, being loud and sort-of awful but not dangerous. I read for a while and then turned off the light so the whole house lay in dark stillness. As hard as she baited me, and she did, I never said anything else, though from time to time, I touched her. And slowly, she made her journey back to me and fell asleep.
Yesterday I said that I want to live in the places that are both scarier and more exciting. I thought about that again last night, and the humor of it did not escape me. I am there. A lot of the time, without needing to seek it out. LoML needed me to be still for a very long time, but for a different reason. I am grateful that we got through the night. This morning will bring its own challenges. Part of her mantra last night was "I'm not going to school. I'm not going to school. I'm not going to school." I suspect that she will do her darnedest to get let off the hook. I pray this morning for the strength to be a quiet presence of resolve for her again.
Comments